Writing is how I process my emotions. I am an emotional being. I feel everything deeply. When I am happy, I am on a high cloud, overjoyed with the current excitement of the moment, and optimistic for the future. Then, when I am sad I am deeply melancholy, in agony with too much to express without tears. The point is I know myself. I know how I can be. I know my habits. My trains of thought hustling and bustling from one station to another. Often if I can be brutally honest through this avenue of my writing– I do not think I am good enough. I look at my beauty as being a secondary trait. My intellect, my sedulity, and natural capacity to learn as being my primary claim to fame. If I can’t be smart, what do I really even have? What more do I have to offer?
So, I think that’s why I try so hard. I have to be smart. If I fail this test I’m dumb, so therefore if I don’t succeed I’m both dumb and secondarily attractive. The problem with my way of thinking stems from this general idea that if you are overweight both or either in a medical sense or by societal standards you cannot be beautiful. While I preach to myself about how my beauty is independent of my size I have begun to think in different terms all together.
Erin McKean said, “You don’t owe prettiness to anyone. Not to your boyfriend/spouse/partner, not to your co-workers, especially not to random men on the street. You don’t owe it to your mother, you don’t owe it to your children, you don’t owe it to civilization in general. Prettiness is not a rent you pay for occupying a space marked female.”
Who teaches us that as females we must be beautiful? We are conditioned to believe that beauty is a must that comes with being a woman; however, we do not owe beauty to anyone. You don’t have to be beautiful to have value especially in a society that pushes us so hard to change who we are to be considered beautiful. It’s great that there is push back that says you don’t have to wear make up to be beautiful or you don’t have to be this size to be beautiful. However, in theory, I’d like to say you don’t have to be beautiful at all. You know why? There is simply too much pressure to be beautiful when at the end of the day you aren’t. You know to some people you are not beautiful and that’s okay. You don’t have to be. Be you. Love yourself and if you want to be beautiful than be. Just remember that you don’t owe it to anyone else in this world. I can see clearly now that I am fat and I was even as a child. Kids were cruel and would call me names. However, I now can honestly say that fat is not a bad word to me because when I look in the mirror the only person there is me and I am charged to be honest in what I see. I do not see beauty when I am looking in the mirror. I see love. I see geniality. I see a comedian. I see a nurturer. I see an inspiration. I see a brilliant light. All I see is me, just a person free of descriptors that force me into self-hate, but a person full of character that promotes self-love and agency. It is just too hard to force beauty onto myself when the title doesn’t fit. I’m far more than beautiful. I am a piece of God as I reflect his creative genius and overwhelming amassed love. I’m a size 24 and I refuse to be “unconventionally beautiful”. If you ask me there is nothing conventional about the individuality characteristic of all people. Still It is difficult to bear the weight of compliments that I am “pretty for a big girl”. It can be a bit much going out with my friends who are deemed *just beautiful by our peers and I am who gets glances from guys at party but they don’t approach me because I’m not supposed to be their type. Through my years as a big beautiful woman I have battled with my weight and self-image and I believe it’s safe to say I have one many-a battles. From my experience all I’m trying to say is I love myself, and at the center of that self-love is not my beauty nor my intelligence which I believe is my best trait. At the center of that self-love is neither my ability to attract a mate, or men’s desirability of my curves and edges physically, no. At the center of my self-love is my humanity, my black identity, my womanhood. To love myself is to love others. When I am loving others I am my best self. I am inherently good by nature and when I am good I feel good. Beauty is a great good but not our greatest.
God is God. God is Good.
Peace and Blessings Kings and Queens,