Garden of Apology Flowers

August 17, 2016

 

Dear Black Queen,

You are my first love, my first look. I hope this letter grants you permission to smile. I hope this letter breathes breath into you. I hope you are reading this wondering in what state of mind the author must have been entrenched to be so honest. You are beautiful even when you feel ugly even if others make you to feel ugly. You are a gem. You are warmth. You are light.

 

You are a class ended early. You are a direct deposit. You are a labor day weekend. You are everything someone wants but does not yet know they need.

 

 

August 27, 2016

I can only be me.

I don’t see you.

How could I with such a distorted view

We talk about shooting on the news – violent

Black mothers singing the blues

But we silent when black daughter are being abused

Holding onto you with a chain of names no one should have ever called you

And only letting you loose outcha cage every couple of days

I couldn’t navigate his mental maze no mental math

Could take me back to a time when 1+1 equaled 100 insecurities

A time where I could make lines rhyme detailing dates on a calendar when I thought you wouldv’e buried me like roots of lavender

I didn’t ask for love that was colored purple

But a seed like me is a scarcity a rarity and

can’t stay that low too long

It’s only a matter of time before a breeze brushes strong and I must move

Like when the wind would’ve blew

off the scents of flowers left on my doorstep

The note read

“baby, you can’t go yet”

They tell you roses are red but so is the bloody battles

That violets are blue but so are bruises leaving you physically broken and mentally rattled

Baby you can’t go yet?

Why can’t you leave

why you s’posed to stay

Why you s’posed to never let a past mistake get in the way

Why? All because a nigga got potential that they won’t actualize until some day?

 

Her face bled every 2 days every black and blue phase came and went like Tuesdays

And while the scars faded like the sound of praise on Sundays the sun refused to shine during such dark time, ticks and clicks of clocks but same shit, same cycle

Wouldn’t be long before another slap to the face or pull of the hair,

Trauma become rationalized, until the new normal no longer feels foreign

Wouldn’t be long before another I’m sorry is proceeded by flowers, a gift which forfeits the man’s real power       to change

By the end of this relationship, the garden had been pick, rose bushes bare

Soon he would only offer me leaves and by then, leaving was the best things I could ever accept

 

 

Her smile hid every scar

Don’t ever get tired of raising the bar

again

You are not defenseless,

Don’t forfeit the woman with-in

The God-sent to Adam

One cannot fathom a man who cannot manage loving with his actions

Who cannot imagine loving me with his eyes closed

A man who cannot love you with his fist open, palms up

In surrend to a God above him

A man so broken who cannot love you without hurting you

His fragile masculinity fragmented mentality fraudulent humanity

A fake

But somehow here we are always trying to make

“it” work to put up with as much as we can take

but it’s a lie that what don’t kill you can only make you stronger

what doesn’t kill you this time can kill you next time

 

 

 

 

Teach yourself to leave

Learn what you need

Know that love should never make you bleed

When relationships die, gone head an’ grieve

(c) a poem by Des4Pres the blaccwoman

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