The Normal Emotional Happenings of a Girl with a Conscience: a poem

 

july 26, 2016

are these the normal emotional happenings of a girl with a conscience?

of the hundreds if not thousands of people i have helped and encouraged it feel utterly meaningless if i have stepped on the one

the one has gone anything but unnoticed

the one carries a weight, a mass despite what planet I may find myself on

the one matters

the one of course is the exception (i’d like to think)

but the one still orbits around my head          at night              or when i’m doing the dishes

or when i’m in the shower trying to cleanse myself of the filth       from     a day      when i could not stop thinking

about the one?

is this normal?

for guilt to swallow me whole         for disappointment to digest me in acidity

no matter the activity

i am trying to perform to distract me

to stop me from thinking about the one.

the one i hurt,

the one i loved with my whole heart                            except how did i love the one?

love wouldn’t do that

love wouldn’t’ do what i did to the one who loved me so much

who made me laugh til my belly ached

the one whose smile had a small      space in the front in the form of a gap           but whose heart had made so        much room for me

are these thoughts normal?
are these the normal emotional happenings of a girl with a conscience?

to be hurt by hurting someone

to know that i am my brother and sister’s keeper              but what is next when you fail?

i try to move on but i am the kind of person    who thinks all things can be fixed

that nothing cannot be restored or put together

in my world even glass can be unbroken    all holes can be patched     that indefinite lost thing can be found

even a vase      or    a smashed face          can undergo reconstructive surgery

but i am living in the world not my own    i know how this goes

trust is like the mirror that has shattered

and history is that record which cannot be undone,

erased,

edited or

changed

history as it lies can only can be accepted

this all could make sense if i weren’t the girl with the conscience

if i could pretend i don’t care about the one

or how the one is doing

or how the one feels about me

or how the one feels about one’s self because of me

i have affected the one and i know that but i hope the one does not hate me

in the same ways i have hated me

i hope the one does not ruminate about my mistakes the way i have

the one is much stronger than me

was more mature than me

and while that along with my fragility and immaturity is no excuse

it does explain how i can become an assailant of abuse

it explains how someone who is usually a good friend acts out of character

and for infinities becomes             the person she wouldn’t want to be

or be friends with either

what keeps me above water,

what keeps me from fading into darkness

what keeps me from praying curses over myself

is that i am not the first to fail someone

that maybe the one has or will fail someone too

that such an experience will give the one a bit of mercy for me

authentic forgiveness for my soul

now i know god feels when we constantly say we                                                                                love him but then go right back to our wickedness

he must feel so betrayed

the one has god within so in part when i hurt the one

i have hurt my father in heaven

even if me and the one cannot ever be friends

the lord has mercy for me

that the lord is constantly calling for a relationship with him no matter how many times i  fail

his love endures forever

his love covers a multitude of sins

the one is not god

and i don’t expect such divine qualities from the one

i  don’t expect limitless chances and infinite         forgiveness

but the small   tortured    part    of me   would ask for it any way

i don’t expect reconciliation but i long for it

for longing

desire

and riddance of shame are all shares of the emotional happening of a girl with a conscience

 

 

 

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