The Poison of Wanting and Waiting

Last night I told him I’d be back before the stems dried up

Before the roots ride up into the concrete side walks

Before the love bites are bandaged and tied up

Before havoc could be met with flame and fiery language

Before I opened my legs for him, and ten minutes later open my broad mouth to cuss him the fuck out

I told him I’d be back

I told him I’d give him another chance but not at romance

But he wanted friendship and to see “where it goes”

I guess he was hoping to eventually develop some type of weak paper thin love

And since I wanted to be just and only friend, that just wasn’t a enough

My brand of friendship came with repentance  and admittance of mistakes made

before any conversation

Or surrender of my time of day

He came at me hard mostly intending to be close to me, pretending to yearn to set down at my feet

I told him the truth of his ugliness and his ears began to bleed

My words cut into his flesh

My thorns mesh into his fingers as he tried to hold onto me

My beauty was not worth his struggle

So he let go

The red rose of my cheek,

The red rose of my lips was not worth his struggle

So he let go

I stood squared shouldered, gun in my holster

He was contacted by my eyes,

His heart contracted as he sighed in relaxation at the sweet sounds of my bullshit

Another chance meant he’d have to change

Another chance meant he’d have to get used to placing his fingers in his mouth and sucking away the bloody pain of being wrong and swallow the disgusting denial of fault

Another chance meant he’d have to say I’m sorry

Another chance meant he’d have to acknowledge that I don’t look best when laying on my back

And I don’t feel most pleasant when he’s on top of me

Another chance meant he must do better

And another chance is not what he wanted

He wanted another me

A different me who he could step on

A different me who wouldn’t make him uncomfortable, or draw attention to the ways he failed me and himself

Yet I couldn’t just tell him that another chance was not only improbable,

It was also impossible.

But I lied to him and told him I’d be back

Before I captured the sun in my smile again

I’d be back before my blood pressure rose from the stress of entertaining a lover who loves you know more like how oil loves water

I’d be back before I lost another pants size

I’d be back before my phone’s battery died on 15%

I told him I’d be back because I thought I’d give him a taste of the poison of wanting something so bad and waiting on it

I told him I’d be back

And he’s still waiting but I am not to return.

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